A crummy world of plot holes and smelling errors.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Puppy rescued from watering can

This mornings most e-mailed article on the bbc news website, is a story about a puppy getting its head stuck in a watering can. Don't worry folks, he was freed in the end.

The thing I found most interesting was the fact that Hampshire fire service have a specialist animal rescue team. Slur.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Cheese please

Two years ago, just after I finished college for the first time, I was staying in my folks place, scanning through the appointments section of the Clare Champion.

There wasn't much in the way of suitable employment for someone with my esoteric skill set. (I had a degree in computers, but I'd been so interested in theoretical stuff, I'd never bothered to learn anything practical.) There's only one specific job I can remember reading: a cheese-maker's assistant somewhere out in the wilds of West Clare.

Initially it gave me a chuckle; The Sorcerer's Apprentice playing in my head as I imagined myself taking up Mickey Mouse's role in Fantasia. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that, actually, it might have been a pretty cool job.

Instead of living in a flat across the road from a pub, and sitting in an office all day, I could be living in a house, with a garden, and spending my days in a shed creating the greatest Stilton the world has ever known.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Free Burma!

Ok, usually I hate it when people suddenly pick a trendy cause to support, and I really hate it when the whole blogging is gonna change the world crowd get going, but this is about the closest I can get to doing something useful, so here goes.

Free Burma!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Slurkid says, get the fuck up!

Ok so, It's Saturday night, and usually at this time I'd be out hanging with my rock-star friends and having sex with super models - but alas, I've got work in the morning, so I'm here in front of the computer blogging. Booo.

Recently I heard about a hotel in Sri Lanka which offers the world's most expensive dessert, at just over a grand Stirling a pop. Now, the funny thing about this story, is that the only other bit of news coming out of the whole Bay of Bengal coastal area at the moment, is the little matter of a country with two names, one of which is Burma.

Actually, I'm going to stop trying to be funny, because this isn't a laughing matter. What started out as a protest against a five fold hike in fuel prices has quickly escalated into something much bigger. Initially, when I first heard about this, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time: that feeling that maybe, just maybe, by standing united, ordinary people could make a difference, and change the world for the better.

Then cynicism kicked in - this isn't the first time the Burmese have tried to over throw the junta, and none of the previous attempts have been pretty: in 1988 it's believed that at least 3000 people were killed by government troops. How was this allowed to happen? Well basically no one called the junta on their shit, they had enough control on the media at the time to prevent most of the world from finding out straight away, and they're buddies with China, who have sufficient funds/influence to take most of the sting out of any international sanctions.

Things are slightly different today; for one they have less control of communications, and more importantly, they have a lot less to offer China. They still have the oil and other natural resources, but their borders have become unstable, ans if there's one thing China can do without, it's a bunch of refugees.

China are keen to be seen as a nation on the up, and a key part of promoting this image is the Beijing Olympics. There's talk that they're willing to cut Burma loose to ensure the games go smoothly.

So there's only a slim chance that these protests can work, but they haven't got a hope unless the international community start applying pressure. If anyone is reading this I encourage you to get on to your local MP/TD and let them know you're not happy about the situation. Get on to Amnesty International, they have addresses for officials in the Junta you can write to; they won't listen, but do it anyway. Let China know that if they interfere with international sanctions, you're going to boycott the Olympics.

So far 9 people are confirmed dead, though the real figure is probably higher. This comparative show of restraint isn't due to any sense of compassion on the part of the junta - they're just worried about international opinion. Don't let them think for a second that no one's looking.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

And now, the science.

Ok, I just want to quickly bring 2 things to your attention before I bunk off work:

  1. Ultra powerful anti-matter powered lasers

  2. Jizz based LEDs


Welcome to the world of tomorrow.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Using Punk Rock to Sell Phones Backfires

I don't know about you, but the first thing I think of when someone says flexible mobile tariff, is PUNK ROCK. Nothing beats buying a new handset for pure rebel cool.

Bell Canada knows where it's at, so when they had a new airtime package to flog, they went straight for the stock photograph of a punk, and shoved it on a poster. Bish-bosh, jobs a good un.

Once the posters were blown up to full size, and plastered all over the public transport systems in Vancouver, British Columbia, and Toronto, it became apparent that the punk girl in the picture was wearing a Belsen was a Gas badge. Now, Toronto has a sizable Jewish community, including many Holocaust survivors who left Europe after the war, so needless to say this didn't go down to well.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find any good pictures of it, but there's a video available here. I guess it goes to show, that sometimes you need to step back and ask yourself: "Is my product or service really punk rock?", because sometimes - just maybe - the answer might be "no".

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Give peace a chance.

I just found out about the Peace One Day concert. Personally, I'm totally stoked about this gig. I can't wait for it to bring about world peace, just like Live 8 put an end to hunger, and Live Earth fixed climate change.

I can't believe no one thought of this sooner. I don't know what the U.N. were thinking of, with their mediators and peace-keeping forces, when all they needed was a Coca-Cola sponsored event, featuring Annie Lennox, Jude Law, and very special guests.

Of course, I suppose, not every one thinks peace is necessarily a good thing. As Harry Lime said in The Third Man:
Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.


Not me though, I think peace is fantastic, and the sooner we can get that message out to the kids the better. I just hope we can undo the damage caused by Hip-Hop and video games.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Sacred Geometry.

So as every one who's ever been in an airport (and therefore read a Dan Brown book) knows, Leonardo Da Vinci, was mad for hiding secret messages in his masterpieces. By connecting various features in the painting all sorts of geometric patterns can be found. Patterns with great symbolism, apparently.



Probably the most famous example is The Vitruvian Man (pictured left), upon which, three sets of golden rectangles can be superimposed, covering the head, torso and legs.


Remarkable, I think you'll agree.


But wait, there's more. If we take the Mona Lisa, and draw a rectangle whose base extends from her right wrist to her left elbow, and vertically to the top of her head, we get a golden rectangle! Furthermore, if we draw nested squares inside this rectangle, the edges of these squares touch all the important focal points of the painting. (See below.)




But, alas Leonardo was an intellect the like of which we will not see again for millennia. Who now would have the precision, imagination and lightness of touch necessary to combine the aesthetically pleasing with the geometrically exact? Who would have the subtlety, the grace, the wisdom?


Oh, never mind...

Friday, September 7, 2007

Philosophy, yeah?

Nietzsche said
No one is such a liar as the indignant man.


but what I heard was
He who smelt it, delt it.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Come up and see me, see me smile.

So anyway, yeah, we were walking trough the monged out lurks, late on Sunday night in Electric Picnic, when this girl pops out and starts begging us for pills. "I'm desperate", she says, "I'll give you 20, no 30 euro for one yoke".

Now the thing was, she was quite an attractive young lady and one of my friends had some headache tablets in his back pocket. We joked that he should have tried to fob them off on her, in exchange for some form of sexual favour. Oh, how we laughed, but we're far to moral to actually do a thing like that.

Thinking back on it though, maybe he should have given her one of the tablets. Not in the hope of getting a blow job, but so that she'd loosen up, stop moaning about the fact she wasn't high, and actually enjoy herself.

Imagine it - we say something along the lines of: "Yeah no worries. Have this on the house, but don't let anyone see you take it or everyone will want one." Then she takes it without looking and runs back off to her friends.

Now, it's unlikely that she'd be off her game for the night on the placebo effect, but it was already late and by the time she realised she'd been burned, it would be time to go to beddy-byes and get ready to leave the next day. In the mean time, instead of going around asking strangers for drugs, she could be off having a laugh - which I assume is what she payed the huge entrance fee for.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

http://lurk.co.uk

One of my greatest fears when flying, is that the plane I'm in will land in completely the wrong airport, leaving me stranded. Today, I was too busy reading to look out the window when we landed, so when the plane came to a stop in a different part of the ramp than it usually does, I got a little worried...

Anyway, I'm back in Edinburgh after a whimsical weekend of loud music and duck tape, and now I've got to wake the town and tell the people about what a great time I had. Except I can't. This is Slur Dot Com: it's all about stuff that's slur, not stuff that's class.

Actually, that in itself is pretty slur, as nearly 80% of all blogs are just rants about the stuff that some wanker hates, and I don't want to be another one of those wankers. I'm a totally unique wanker. Yeah? Ok so, that last statistic was something I just made up, but it brings me nicely to the slur thing I saw today: the abuse of statistics to sell cereal.

So, I'm browsing through The Tesco when I see Ian I'll Sell Anything Wright's grinning mug, with the following speech bubble over it:

Regularly eating cereals for breakfast means you're less likely to be overweight.*
*Source: some bunch of wank, probably bankrolled by Kellogg's

Ack! As someone who works a bit with stats, I find that statement both disgusting and fantastic. They don't come right out and say that eating their cereal will make you thin - that would be a lie - but they go as damn close to it as they can. Sure there is a correlation, but I'm sure the lower amounts of mars bars and pie in thin peoples diets also play a significant factor. (Ya fat lurk!)

But wait there's more! I avert my gaze from Ian's pearly whites, and the weasel words they spew and try to focus myself. No luck. The first thing I lay my eyes on is a pack of Rice Crispies with this gem scrawled on it:

Children who eat breakfast every morning tend to do better at school.*
*Source: another fucking study payed for by Kellogg's


Yeah, I'm sure it's the cereal that's doing it. I just wonder if there's any correlation between having negligent parents and not being fed every day?

Hmmm, that last one's a stretch, but at least it's a case of direct causality, not just correlation.

Up yours, Kellogg's,

Slurkid57.